hey jake, amir here, your ex-coworker and ex-best friend. just wanted to tell you to um, what’s it called? die! and that this is the last time you’ll ever hear my voice unless you save these voicemails like the little bitch you are. bye forever. peace!

holy crap, it must be your lucky day, you get to hear my voice one last time. just called to tell you this little update: you’re still a bitch. bye forever, peace!

whoopsie-daisy! the gift that keeps on giving. my voice, specifically, just leaving you another vm in case you accidentally deleted the first two instead of saving them like the little bitch you are. this ones for keeps hurwitz. goodbye for never.

forever i meant to say, so. actually it’s goodbye forever. peace.

wanna know the best part of all jake-y baby? i’ve never been happier in my entire freaking life. i’m like at an 11. out of 12, but still i’ve never been in double digits man, i’m fucking floating.

and it wasn’t just how you did it man, it’s that you did it on my freakin’ half birthday. great, the big 2-8 point 5, down the drain. i mean how am i supposed to react to that? DON’T TAKE-

hi, is this the unemployment office or jake’s voicemail? cause either way, you’re being a bitch.

dude, that was the unemployment office. okay, i freaking called them a bitch.

hey dude, me again. in all honesty, i know tomorrow’s your first day at work without me, so good luck. i’m actually starting a site tomorrow myself called jakehurwitzisabitch.com. would love to hop on the phone to discuss trading traffic, maybe a link partnership, you know i’m really trying to create brand awareness so the rest of the fucking world knows that jake hurwitz is a bitch. bye forever, peace, text me.